Meltdown
by Penn O'Hara
Summary: Logan wrestles his personal needs with his dedication to his job like the true professional he is.
1. Chapter 1

**"Meltdown"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

_**Timeline: Sequel to "World Fair", Season Six. I recently rewatched it, and I don't know if anyone else noticed, but Logan suffered deeply from all that he saw through that episode. Kudos to him for not being so tough that he's impermeable to the horrors of his job. **_

_**A/N: Logan and Barek are an item in my universe and shacked up in Carolyn's apartment.**_

**oOo**

**The World Fair Unisphere loomed above and behind him as Mike Logan clumsily keyed a message onto his cell phone. He checked it for spelling errors despite its auto spell feature. His jaw worked with the effort of keeping his frustration disguised from his partner, Megan Wheeler.**

_**Had enough. Going home. **_

**He briefly wondered how Wheeler would key it – _had enuf. goin hm._**

**She seemed comfortably familiar with the latest tech shorthand. Figuring it was hard enough getting through school without forgetting everything he learned during the times he made it there, he put in the extra effort to get it correct. Logan sent the message to Carolyn's number and snapped his phone shut, wondering how she would react. Would she drop everything and come home to him, sensing the hopelessness that was weighing upon his shoulders?**

**Despite their successful closure of the case, Logan was defeated by the cost in human suffering. A son and daughter dead, a son and father in jail for murder, an uncle in jail for malicious damage and two mothers without their children. Two families utterly destroyed. It was a tragedy of proportions rarely encountered in Logan's two decades as a detective.**

**He took the wheel of the police vehicle without saying a word to Wheeler and pointed its nose toward home. If Wheeler couldn't guess where he was going, she'd soon work it out.**

**"This case was the pits." Wheeler put forward her excuse for small talk, giving him a quick glance before resuming her contemplation of the road ahead.**

**"Yeah." Logan wasn't interested in humoring her. They had an agreement. If talk wasn't wanted or needed, then it was dispensed with.**

**They'd found their comfort zone as partners. Logan treated his young trainee with abrupt respect, letting her make her own mistakes and bringing her into line with light-scale ribbing and good-natured jibes. He was pleased her youth and slenderness belied a toughness of hide and sharpness of brain, allowing her to educate him in the ways of technology and the mind-set of the younger generation while he developed her street-smarts.**

**Carolyn turned possessive of him whenever Wheeler was around, but Logan realized that stemmed more from envy than jealousy. His fiery Polish lover admitted she missed partnering with him and he was glad it was her decision to transfer. If it were his, he'd be paying for it. Dearly.**

**Wheeler said nothing more until he pulled up at the brownstone he shared with Carolyn.**

**"You coming back to the Precinct later?" she asked, a hand on the door handle.**

**He shook his head.**

**She joined him on the sidewalk. "I might start on the paperwork before I go home."**

**"Yeah, you do that." He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Only, don't overdo it, okay? You need some down–time too."**

**"I will."**

**A quick nod and she rounded the car to the driver's side. Logan closed the door on her and watched her drive away. Alone now, he felt worse and regretted not inviting her in for a coffee. Anything to fill this chasm of futility. Two decades on the Force and he hadn't made a difference. Things were worse, not better.**

**"Shit. _Shit_. _Shit_!"**

**He kicked his heels into his building.**

**Swearing all the way up the stairs to the apartment, Logan added a few stronger expletives when he fumbled his keys at the door, dropping them at his feet. He stabbed them into the lock, let himself in and slammed the door behind him.**

**The room seemed to rattle with the force, opening up into an abyss where he was separated, cut-off from anything that was good in life. Carolyn was good for him. The apartment she had designed in heavy antiques felt warm and safe and solid. He needed her and she wasn't there.**

**"_Shit!"_**

**Contemplating a stiff drink or long shower, he went for the latter. He figured he'd try scrubbing the tragedy from his skin instead of drowning it in expensive liquor.**

**Eons later he was still standing under the piercing jet of a cold shower, feeling no closer to coming to terms with his disgust at the intolerance of people in the name of their faith and convictions.**

**Anger had given way to confusion and without answers or explanations, his confusion had no recourse but to disintegrate into despair. His shoulders shook, but not from cold, his mouth open in a silent howl, tongue tasting the salt from his tears. It had been a long time since he'd taken one of his cases on board like this, but this one was horrific in its senselessness.**

**"Move over, hon."**

**Logan's distress was so total he hadn't heard Carolyn in the apartment, let alone the room, but worse, he was slow to react. His reflexes were deadened so that when he tried to hide his grief from her, he was too slow.**

**"Mike! What's wrong? Oh, my love…"**

**She stepped into the shower with him and her arms tightly holding him made him quake more. His back heaved and the sobs found volume in her desperate attempt to ease his suffering. Her naked body was slick beside him, but he couldn't draw any heat from her.**

**"What happened?" Carolyn's hands ran over his body in quick exploration. If she were looking for a wound, he could only wish it _were_ physical.**

**"A…waste," he gasped. "All…a waste."**

**"Okay, hon, I got it. You're okay. Thank God. But what happened? Is Megan okay?"**

**He nodded heavily, assuring her of that much.**

**"It was just the case then. A bad one?"**

**He nodded again.**

**She held him tighter, absorbing his shudders so wholly, he wasn't sure if she too was shaking. She finally drew him out of the shower, wrapped a towel round his shoulders and guided him into the bedroom onto the bed. He bowed his head over his bent knees, but she pushed him against the bed head until he leaned his neck back against its hardness and closed his eyes as she smoothed the hair from his face.**

**"Talk when you're ready," she said. He heard the understanding, relaxed into her warmth and basked in her love.**

**"I can't…"**

**"You always say that, but it's time," she whispered, her voice unsteady and catching on the words. "Time you let me see why some things affect you so much."**

**She misunderstood. He was going to say he didn't want children. Didn't want to bring them into a world so rampant with prejudices, intolerance and irrational principles.**

**"Today, one person's ideal destroyed two families," he ground out. He tried again to tell her he couldn't be a part of her wish to produce a family. "I can't be a–"**

**He heard his cell phone ring, muffled by the material of his jacket. Carolyn hovered as if afraid to leave him, tempted to let it ring out.**

**"Answer it," he assured her. "My coat. It's on the floor. Somewhere."**

**The mattress moved as she left him, and he continued to hang his head, steeling himself against the feeling that he had shown weakness that was unworthy of him.**

**"Hi Megan," Carolyn said, her voice lowered but still audible. "Yeah, I'm with him now. He's… we're… well, we'll be fine. Thanks. Can you er, fill me in a little?"**

**Logan pushed himself from the bed and held out a hand for his phone. His eyes dared Carolyn to defy him and hers wavered under his demand. Slowly, she handed him the phone, and still, holding her gaze, he put it to his own ear.**

**"I'll see you tomorrow, Wheeler. Goodnight." Snapping the phone shut, Logan tossed it onto the bed. His body was taut with tension and Carolyn must have sensed the danger in the air because she didn't move, nor waver from their locked eyes.**

**"A youth killed his sister," he began, the quiet of his voice grated with steel, "because she brought disgrace upon the family by falling pregnant to an infidel. The father shot the girl's lover when he was only there to explain…" Logan worked his jaw as his eyes stung and blurred. "After losing her daughter, the mother has lost her son and her husband because I put them in jail." His lip curled with self-loathing. "The lover's uncle is in jail because I had to arrest him for malicious damage against the dead daughter's family business. Two families completely destroyed in a week's work."**

**"It's not your f–"**

**"_I fucking know it's not my fault!"_**

**He strode over to the dresser and hauled out a drawer. "This is the world we live in! This is the world you want to bring children into!" Dragging out a pair of sweats, he slipped them on, struggling in his temper to pull the sweater over his head. "Children don't have a say in their conception, but I do. _I fucking do_."**

**He wheeled around and strode for the door, scooping up loafers on the way. He heard her call his name, but kept on walking, palming his wallet, gun and keys before slamming out the front door.**

**"_Mike!_"**

**Taking the steps down to the ground floor two at a time, Logan kept on going, his stomach sickened by his behavior toward Carolyn but pride disabling him from retracing his steps.**

**Out of the building's foyer, onto the pavement and into the darkening evening, he walked until he tired of walking, then hailed a cab which let him out at his old apartment. He looked up at his darkened window and thanked the common sense or portent that had restrained him from subletting his lease.**

**Logan hesitated, swore, then walked into the building.**

**oOo**

**_tbc..._**


	2. Chapter 2

**"Meltdown"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

_**Bobby and Alex have their own problems and Logan's burning boats.**_

_**A/N: In my Universe, Bobby and Alex were thrown together by Nicole Wallace's evil in "A Shift of Axis". Alex found it difficult to maintain their intimacy within their partnership and Bobby's reaction to her ambivalence was a meltdown of his own in my shortie "Fold" (M Section).**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Two**

**Striding into the squad room ahead of Bobby, Alex intended to convey her displeasure to him through her carriage and her voice as she snapped at him. She hated being late to work. She believed in starting a new day with enthusiasm and positive thinking to counteract the effects of their next case.**

**"If you're going to continue being late picking me up, I'll bring my own car, Bobby. If you're not worried about your own record, at least have the decency to consider mine."**

**"I got a call–" He began his excuse again, but Alex wasn't interested.**

**"I would have gone with you. I wouldn't have minded so much if I could have been there for─" She stopped, abandoning the fight. She didn't understand what was happening to Bobby because he wouldn't talk about it. She knew it was his mother's decreasing health that had thrown him into turmoil, but he would neither accept her sympathy nor help, hell-bent on self-destruction instead.**

**"Eames, I… gotta do this. On my own. It's my problem–"**

**"Forget it! Let's just drop it." Her heart was heavy from the mire in which their relationship had plunged. "You want to shut me out? Shut me out. Let's do it properly though, shall we?"**

**Alex noted Carolyn Barek sitting in Mike's chair speaking earnestly with Megan Wheeler and wasn't above using her presence as a means to ignore Bobby further. She headed in their direction, but on closer scrutiny, Alex realized Carolyn was upset, her eyes hollowed and hands agitated.**

**Alex put a comforting hand on Carolyn's shoulder.**

**"_Alex!_" Jumping up, Carolyn grabbed both her hands and held tight. "Have you seen him? Do you know where he is?"**

**Alex eased the other woman back into the seat and raised a brow at Megan.**

**"Logan's gone AWOL," Megan said. "Since last night." She picked up a cell phone from her desk and held it out. "Left his cell behind and disappeared." Her eyes were large with concern. "Any ideas?"**

**Alex shook her head with disgust. The man did a lot of things of which Alex didn't approve, and this just added to the list. The phone on Megan's desk rang, saving Alex from saying something placatory that she didn't mean.**

**Megan listened intently, then replaced the receiver.**

**"The Captain wants to see you, Carolyn." Megan nodded toward Ross' office. "Didn't say why, but he might have─"**

**Carolyn dodged Alex and was striding pass the desks before Megan finished the sentence.**

**"What did Ross sound like?" Alex asked.**

**"Annoyed. Uh, Alex… You okay?"**

**Alex turned to head back to her desk, but the softly spoken question arrested her. "I'm fine," she said, lifting her chin. "Why do you ask?"**

**"You seem… distracted." Megan's brows dipped delicately. "And Bobby… well, he's more distracted than normal."**

**"Bobby…" Alex pressed her lips against her honest opinion. "He can look after himself, can't he?"**

**oOo**

**Scrubbing the sleep from his face, Logan rolled off the bed to hunch over his knees, his neck heavy from the dispelling stupor of alcohol-induced slumber. His head thumped and his vision spun as he lurched to his feet, sending an empty bottle rolling across the polished wooden floor. Staggering to the bathroom, he retched into the bowl then immersed his head and naked shoulders under a cold shower. It would have been easier to spend the day in bed and down another bottle of whatever he had left over in the liquor cabinet, but it wouldn't achieve anything and he'd still have to face the music for walking out on Carolyn.**

**He might as well get it over with.**

**Rummaging through a closet still guarding unwanted suits and shirts, Logan found an old and favourite plaid tie and grimaced. Carolyn was trying to phase out his ties and smarten up his dressing. Today was a good opportunity to wear his old comfortable clothes.**

**He regretted his actions last night, admitting it had been wrong to take it out on her and he needed to tell her so. His movements slowed as he realized how ill-equipped he was to do that. He'd never had to go crawling back to a woman before.**

**oOo**

**Logan managed to make it to his desk at OnePP without either being hailed or halted by his colleagues, nodded at Wheeler and slid down into his seat. She thrust a hand toward him and he flinched before seeing she merely held his cell phone.**

**"Yours, I believe," she said tightly, her eyes bright and unflinching.**

**"Where–?"**

**Wheeler jabbed her head toward the Captain's office, then looked back down at the laptop in front of her.**

**Logan felt his face go slack before slowing turning his neck, a frown deepening at the sight of a dark head through Ross' office window.**

**"_Shit._"**

**Hauling himself out of his chair, he meandered between the desks, throwing a sceptical look at Goren. The man looked like shit, his jowls heavy with stubble, eyes sunken and lustreless gray hair worn longer than normal and tousled as if from repeated pulling.**

**Eames was watching Goren, her mouth parted and eyes unguarded and soft. Briefly forgetting his own dilemma, Logan wondered what caused such sad distress in Bobby's partner.**

_**Double trouble in paradise.**_

**Logan knocked briefly on Ross' door before entering. Carolyn swung round and jumped up from her chair, the relief washing over her face adding to the guilt weighing heavily on his heart. Logan shrunk a little inside, aware he was also the cause of the shadows under her eyes.**

**Ross slowly rose from his chair, buttoning his coat as he stepped around his desk.**

**"I'm going to leave the two of you alone," he said, walking out and shutting the door with a definitive click behind him.**

**"Mike…" Carolyn whispered.**

**Logan tried to meet her gaze but couldn't, opting to study his hands instead. He twirled the heavy ring around his finger, watching its dull gleam catch and fire off swatches from the overhead light.**

**"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I… shoulda called. But…" He opened his palm, where his cell phone lay. "I didn't have my phone."**

**"You left it on the bed." Her eyes roamed him, seeking reassurances he couldn't give to her. "You should have left yourself there instead."**

**"I…Yesterday… It blew me away." He shifted his weight forward, indecisive whether to go to her or keep his distance. "I wasn't thinking…"**

**"I know. You were _feeling_. And I'd hoped that would be when you'd reach out. To me. Instead…?" He saw her take a deep breath, as if to steel herself. "After you left. Another woman?"**

**"_Hell no!_" He reigned in his shock and outrage with difficulty. "I went back to my old apartment. The only thing I spent the night with was a vodka bottle."**

**"Mike…"**

**Detecting what suspiciously sounded like pity in her voice, he felt anger curl in his gut.**

**"Idon'tneed you to look out for me, Carolyn. I've been doin' it myself too long. This…" He jabbed a hand between them. "…this relationship is all your idea. I'm just going along… for the sex. Okay?"**

**"Okay, Mike. I get it. See ya 'round." She turned on her heel but not before he saw the pain crack the smoothness of her normally serene face.**

**"_Shit! Carolyn!_" he yelled as she yanked open the door and walked out. Logan lunged for her but missed as she side-stepped him and quickened her steps. Instead, he came up hard against the slight but implacable form of Alex Eames.**

**"Back off, Logan," she said. "You've done enough. I need to see you."**

**Logan watched Carolyn walk away, powerless to follow her from pride and, despite her physical slightness, the formidable barrier of Eames.**

**"What is it, Eames? One basket-case not enough for you? You gotta take both of us on?"**

**"I wouldn't waste my time, Logan. You're not worth it."**

**"Eames, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were just fighting your attraction for me." His flippancy balmed his sense of being out of control, baiting Eames bringing some normalcy back to the situation.**

**"Crawl back into your hole, Mike, and when you come to your senses, go find the one person who's prepared to put up with you."**

**Eames swung on her heel and left him there. Logan looked around the squad room at the interested faces that didn't even bother to turn away from his gaze.**

**"Shit."**

**Unlocking his limbs, he beat a path to the door with no thought but to catch Carolyn before he lost her. Totally.**

**The corridor was empty. Logan jabbed the elevator button but with no response. Spinning to the side, he yanked open the stairwell door and used both hands to swing himself down what felt like endless steps. Bursting into the foyer, he scanned it quickly, seeing it devoid of the woman he didn't deserve.**

**Logan bumped carelessly into several bodies entering the building as he pushed through the half-open doors at the front of the building. His head snapping left and right, he thought he saw her, swallowed by the crowd swarming the pavement.**

**"_Carolyn!_"**

**He couldn't lose her.**

**He ran, shoving people aside, ignoring the affronted abuse that was as breath to the Manhattan masses. He was intent on the angry wake of long dark curling hair.**

**Catching up with her, Logan grasped her shoulders and swung her round.**

**"Carolyn…"**

**His lips brushed against her hair as he folded her to him, his mouth breathing words of apology that tangled his tongue into incoherency. Tears escaped as a flood of feeling unleashed the coldness around his heart and banished it within the heat of her body against him.**

**"Mike? Oh my love, my love, my love. Don't. It's okay. I wasn't going. I wasn't really walking away. Just giving you time. Time to–"**

**"Come to my senses." He nodded vigorously. "I know. I will… I have. I do… Love you." His mouth was on hers and he tasted the salt of hot tears. His. But he didn't hold it back. His body trembling against hers, his shoulders heaved as he succumbed to his second emotional breakdown in as many days.**

**"_I_ _feel_…"**

**"Yes, it's okay to feel. Good, bad, devastated, happy. Don't fear your feelings, Mike. Or the future. Don't chop down your future because you fear."**

**He knew what she was talking about.**

**Children.**

**In a future that could be devastating or infinitely rewarding, children in a hate-filled world could be insulated by their parents' love.**

**He couldn't deny the chance to have that for himself.**

**With her.**

**"Let's go home," he whispered brokenly, pulling back his head, uncaring he was baring the raw emotion within him. The pedestrians surged around and past them, muted by his genuine distress.**

**"No." She drew back and he was shocked by the implacable pain in her face. "I'm going home alone. You—" She gulped in a huge breath. "You come back when you're ready."**

**"I'm ready—"**

**She shook her head sadly. "Ready to talk. Really talk."**

**Spinning round, she was consumed by the crowd on the pavement and lost to him.**

**oOo**

_**To be continued in the "M" section.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**"Meltdown"**

_**Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara**_

_**T**_

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

_**A/N: Some background for Casey Tremayne can be found in my shortie, "The Elusive Ten". I'm trying to weave all my stories together somehow and bringing in Casey Tremayne is one such thread being drawn in. Some might consider her a mere plot device, but heck, other lives exist around our favorite detectives, so why not let them in every now and then. **_

_**And don't be surprised that, despite these detectives' personal emotional rollercoaster rides, they are still, I like to think, professionals, who can still put their job first in a crunch. Right or wrong, I don't hold it against them. It's who they are.**_

**oOo**

**Chapter Three**

**The muted roar was in Logan's own head.**

**The strange looks directed his way were hazy and distorted, the surging crowd moving in slow motion while the continual blare of car horns was muffled by his shock.**

**Had Carolyn rejected him?**

**_Come back_, she had said, when he was ready. That wasn't rejection. An ultimatum, yes, but it meant he still had a chance with her.**

**His limbs unlocked and he started running, dodging and weaving through the human tide that had taken her. At the end of the block, he skidded to a halt, panting as he searched for some sign of her. Pedestrians jostled him as they broached the intersection and he almost lashed out, before realizing they could have no idea of his desperation nor the cause.**

**Logan's eyes lighted on the café bar across the street, the one he and Carolyn frequented with other OnePP detectives when they were still partners. He stumbled from the sidewalk between two stationary cars, braced himself against the trunk of one as he vaulted over the other to reach the curb.**

**The bar being almost empty, it was easy to see there was no sign of Carolyn, but the café side was already populated with detectives having a late breakfast before they went on duty.**

**One hailed him as he stood there, debating what to do next.**

**"Hey, Mike!"**

**_Casey Tremayne. _He hadn't had anything to do with her for nearly a year, not since the night she'd humiliated him during a stakeout. He'd even made a point of avoiding her since then.**

**"No time, Casey. Sorry." He turned to leave, but her next statement arrested him.**

**"I've got a lead, Mike. For you and Wheeler. In the Hutchins' case. You'll want to hear this."**

**He swung back, tempted but not convinced. The Hutchins' case was an ongoing bug in Logan's butt, he and Wheeler being unable to close in on a suspect.**

**Casey was half out of her chair, dragging out a second from her table. Her dark bangs fell over her eyes, and her impish grin as she beckoned him over reminded him of the night she had leaned into his police-issued vehicle and regaled Carolyn with some damning insights into his character.**

**Logan slowly approached the other detective. He had no idea where Carolyn might now be, wasn't even sure he should pursue her or if she wanted him to, but she was probably in a taxi on the way to work by now, and hell, he had a job to do too.**

**He sat in the offered chair and pulled out his cell, punching in Carolyn's speed dial and heard it go to voicemail while Tremayne ordered him a coffee. He snapped the phone shut in irritation and turned to Casey.**

**"What's this lead? It had better be a good one after your character-assassination that night─"**

**"Hey! Is that why you've been avoiding me?" She sat back in her chair and splayed her hand against her chest in mock horror. "From what I hear, it didn't put Barek off you any. In fact, my recount of our little, er, exploits together may have piqued her interest─"**

**"Cut it out, Tremayne. The lead… The one you gotta tell me?"**

**Casey pulled a face at him. "You're no fun anymore, Mike. Is that what Barek has done to you? If so, I'm sorry I ever─"**

**Logan thrust his face in hers. "Tremayne, if you don't─"**

**"Okay! Okay!" She tipped her head to the side and pouted, her eyes unapologetic. "My snitch came up dry for me this morning and, in desperation for a fee, spilt some news that my mark had dealings with Ben Hutchins. I knew that case was still on the department's list of open files. When I rang in, they told me it was yours and Wheeler's. Now the lead didn't help me any, but the fact that Carmichael knew Hutchins─"**

**"Where's your case now?"**

**"Still cold. Freezin' even."**

**"Mine too," Logan nodded, piqued despite his distraction over Carolyn. "The connection might be a kick-start. It might not."**

**"You wanna follow it up?"**

**"Now?"**

**"Why not?"**

**Logan's first reaction was to refuse. He wanted to talk to Carolyn, but Casey just might have something. Carolyn hadn't put a time limit on him and he wasn't exactly on personal time. He _was_ supposed to be on the job.**

**"Yeah, why not? I'll call Wheeler," he said, reaching for his cell.**

**oOo**

**The closer the car got toward Carolyn's apartment – their apartment – the more impatient Logan got of the time he'd already wasted today.**

**Thanks to Tremayne, the Hutchins' case was off the back-boiler and progressing again. Casey's snitch had been able to identify a suspect who could well have been the last person to see Ben Hutchins alive. Lawrence Carmichael had lawyered up but his alibi was shaky and this new evidence was more than enough for an arraignment. Logan had gladly left the case in the hands of the D.A. and could now devote his attention again on Carolyn and her ultimatum.**

**_He could do this._ Give her what she wanted. Open up, let out his demons, expose his inadequacies, and consider, really consider, having a child with her. It scared the shit out of him, but she deserved the most he could give her.**

**Unfortunately for him, it was late. It had taken them all day to track down Carmichael and break him in an interrogation and it was now close to eleven, the darkened city streets still alive, but less frenetic.**

**When Wheeler pulled up at his building, Logan was out the car door with barely a curt farewell to her and running for the elevator. He couldn't explain his sense of urgency, other than he wanted to fill the void that smothered him, hold Carolyn to him with arms that ached from her absence.**

**At the same time, he was terrified. Standing in front of their door, he considered knocking, then cursed himself for his indecision. His pulse raced as he considered he'd left it too late. She probably had his bags packed and waiting inside the door right now.**

**Using his keys, he let himself into the apartment, and his hasty step slowed automatically to the beat of the low, sultry music that filled the room. His stereo, accommodated by her deep Regency bookcase, throbbed to a Robert Cray Band blues tune that plucked at the rawness of his emotions. Of all his CD collection housed by the stately antique, she had chosen his collation of Blues Greats. Bobby Cray's evocative lyrics were of love gone wrong, dreams abandoned and hopes destroyed.**

**"_Ah, shit, Carolyn,_" he murmured, his fears realized. He'd blown his chance with her.**

**Standing in the middle of the dimly lit living room, Logan looked around and found her, in dark leggings and short-sleeved top, curled up in the chair on which he liked to sprawl. Her eyes were luminous and large, staring at him with a watchful quality that he deserved.**

**"I…" he began, "did you want me to…? I mean, now? Tonight? Tomorrow─" The words spilled out meaninglessly. He didn't know what to say next, so he shut up.**

**"When you're ready, Mike," she said softly. "Not before."**

**Logan ran his hands through his hair and linked his fingers behind his neck, stretching against their hold as he looked up at the ceiling for inspiration above.**

**"I didn't know where you went─" he began by way of explanation as to what took him so long.**

**"I went to work," she said. "Isn't that what you did?"**

**"Yeah. I didn't know if you wanted me to go home or─"**

**"I wanted you to think. Think hard. Did you do that?"**

**He cursed under his breath. He honestly couldn't tell her it was all he thought of. "I had a case. I worked on a case. With Wheeler. Was I supposed to abandon my work?"**

**"No, not at all. But did you come to any conclusion about us? About what I want and what we might want together?"**

**He started to squirm under her intent regard. "Yes. Yes, I did." _Some of the time._**

**"And?"**

**Shrugging out of his coat, he tossed it onto the back of the couch. He threw himself into the large chair opposite her and leaned forward, his linked hands between his knees.**

**Lifting his eyes to hers, he held her gaze, unwavering; banished the last traces of work and the outside world from his mind and let Bobby Cray's next lyrics of honesty and trust guide him.**

**He cleared his throat and began to talk.**

**oOo**

**Carolyn learned of Mike's violent drunk mother, uncaring absent father and confused, abused entry into puberty. She watched his now bent head study his hands while he spoke of frequent failed relationships as he scrabbled his way into the Police Force and fought for Detective status. She got a sense of the awe and respect he held for his previous partners and the loss he felt when he lost them.**

**"Max was gunned down while I was fucking talkin' to his wife on the phone! I heard the alarm in Marie's voice as she watched something goin' down outside, then her gut-wrenching cry as she saw him collapse under the bullets."**

**Mike groaned into his hands and Carolyn longed to go to him. She ached to hold him, cradle his head against her, but forced herself to stay apart, needing him to do this on his own. For himself as well as her.**

**"I was there when Phil was shot. In the next fuckin' room! And I _still_ couldn't do anything for him."**

**"Phil survived, Mike. You were there to help him pull through."**

**"It wasn't enough. He wouldn't come back. Preferred a desk over partnering with someone who couldn't watch his back."**

**"I think you know that wasn't it at all."**

**He looked up at her, his face twisted with guilt, eyes filled with self-contempt. "Then Lenny. Lenny was great. I learned a lot from Lenny. But he went cold on me. When I got kicked to Staten Island, he didn't wanna know me anymore. Like I would taint him─"**

**"Or was it that _you_ cut the ties, Mike?" Carolyn gently interrupted him, refusing to allow this cleansing to turn into a session of his feeling sorry for himself. "Be honest with yourself as well as me."**

**He worked his mouth over that one, then dropped his gaze back to his hands. "I didn't really know them. Some first grade detective I was. I didn't even see what was under my nose with Profaci."**

**Carolyn sighed. "I understood Profaci went bad _after_ you left the two-seven."**

**"Shit!" He threw his hands in the air and pressed himself into the back of the chair. "If you know all this stuff, Carolyn, why the fuck do you want me to tell it all to you?"**

**"Simple, Mike," she said, holding onto her patience. "I want to hear and see how all of this made you the person you are now."**

**He grunted and stretched, then leaned forward again, hands loosely clasped. "The profiler at work?"**

**"Just understanding you better. What was Staten Island like?"**

**He shrugged. "Surely I don't have to tell you. A gumshoe beat couldn't be worse."**

**He paused and Carolyn waited.**

**"But my next partner, Frankie Silvera, was a hoot," he murmured, flexing his shoulders and settling back into the chair, one arm over the back of the chair, the other hand yanking at his tie. "A broad that was one of the guys. You…" He looked at her from under dark brows. "…were the first partner I had that I had to watch my mouth with."**

**"Was that tedious for you?" she smiled, shifting in her chair. They'd been there for so long, her limbs were growing stiff.**

**"Nah, you settled me down some. It wasn't a bad plan."**

**"If you can't be who you are─"**

**"I'm okay. Tremayne said I was a better detective for it─"**

**"Tremayne?"**

**"Casey Tremayne."**

**Carolyn frowned over the name, knowing it was familiar. Searching her memory, she came up with the vision of an undercover cop dressed as a hooker. "You saw her today?"**

**"She helped me on a case."**

**"Where was Wheeler?"**

**"She was there."**

**"You surround yourself with women, don't you?"**

**"Hey─ It helps me bring out my feminine side."**

**"Is that right?" she scoffed. "You don't sound feminine."**

**Carolyn pushed herself out of the chair and stumbled on stiff legs over to him. Her eyes roamed him hungrily as he sprawled in the chair, one knee hooked over the armrest, his body relaxed and loose-limbed. Carolyn felt her pulse respond to his unique brand of magnetism.**

**"You don't _look_ very feminine, either," she murmured.**

**Running the back of her hand up the day's stubble on his jaw, she shivered from its strong rasp.**

**"You don't feel feminine."**

**She leaned forward and pressed her face into his neck, inhaling deeply, her nose filling with his mixture of understated after-shave and honest sweat.**

**"You certainly don't smell feminine."**

**Carolyn trailed her lips to his, hovering there, breathing his breath, his flavor tantalizing her.**

**"I know for a fact, you don't taste feminine either."**

**She let Mike close the distance and was rocked by her body's quick response to his lips moving over hers, pressing with insistence, his tongue teasing for admittance. Needing to keep her head, she allowed only a brief contact before pulling away.**

**Gulping in air, Carolyn blew it out again, tossing the hair from her face. "And now, what do you want in this relationship, Mike? It's not just sex for you, despite your angry outburst in Ross' office today."**

**He closed his eyes against her searching look, threw his head back against the chair top and groaned. "_Carolyn_. Will I be any good? What if we do the marriage thing? And children. What if I'm as lousy a husband and father as mine was?"**

**"That's cowardice talking, Michael Logan. And who said anything about marriage?" She forced a brave smile, shocked he had gone to the core of their problem so quickly and… voluntarily.**

**"I thought…that's what you wanted."**

**She bit her lip as her eyes roved the features of his beloved face, then lowered herself onto his lap, holding his shoulders gently as she peered into his face. "What do _you_ want, Mike?"**

**He closed his eyes and sighed. "I like… I like being here." Opening his eyes, they crinkled with intensity. "I like having you around. Coming home…to you."**

**"Do you like waking up next to me?" Carolyn held her breath.**

**He looked at her hard, and Carolyn could almost see his thoughts chasing themselves around in his head.**

**"Yeah! Yeah, I do."**

**Nodding her encouragement, she tightened her fingers on his shoulders. "Now, don't think. Feel. Do you _feel_ you want to do it for the rest of our lives?"**

**"Yes."**

**Her heart soared at his lack of hesitation.**

**"Now, with my assurances that your world will turn itself upside down should we have children, would you like the challenge of being a father? Because it _will_ be a challenge. It won't be easy. It won't be smooth. It will be hard work, but the rewards… Well, you'll have to experience those to know. That one, you can think about." She smiled warily, bracing herself for his answer.**

**She saw him gulp. "Do we have to hurry into this one?"**

**"No, except I'm not getting any younger. And me… well, I'm ready."**

**Carolyn slid from his lap and sat cross-legged on the floor, her hands on his thigh, intent on the expressions shuttering across his face. "When _you're_ ready, hon," she said. "Not before."**

**"I'm not gettin' any younger either." He pulled a face, self-deprecation settling into something warmer and interested as he noticed her submission at his feet.**

**Carolyn marvelled how Logan managed to, even at forty plus, put out such incredible sexual vibes that made her heart beat faster and a hot tingle grow between her legs.**

**"You'll do me just fine," she assured him.**

**His mouth spread in a slow grin that had her catching at her breath. Pushing herself to her knees, she leaned into his chest and consumed that grin with her lips. Tipping her head to the side, she breathed into him, tongue clashing with his eager one. Her fingers raced to the buttons of his shirt, and popped them one by one, before splaying them across the heat of his bare skin. They skittered over his ribcage, squeezing, exploring and enjoying before balking at the belt of his trousers.**

**Dragging her mouth from his, Carolyn stroked her face against his smooth flesh as her hands went to work on his belt and zipper. Her scalp tingled where his fingers threaded themselves through her hair, but that small pleasure was lost in the fiery response of her body to the feel of him as her mouth explored his chest. Buttoned nipples tempted her to tongue them and Mike's deep groan prompted a whimper of her own.**

**Her hands pushed into his trousers and he swelled against them, his heat torching her sensitive palms. Carolyn's heart was racing to burst and her urge was to mount him there and then, but she pulled back, shaking her head to clear it.**

**"Whew, hon, what're you doing to me?"**

**"Hey, babe," his heavy-lidded look stoked the burn in the pit of her being. "I'm just sittin' here."**

**Her eyes roved his slouched body and she licked her lips. "Then you look totally decadent 'just sittin'. What'dya you look like… _standin'_?"**

**Mike surged from his chair, his hands scooping up her elbows and taking her with him. She gasped as he spun her around and lowered her gently into the chair still warmed from his body. Holding her widened eyes with his own, he stretched out an arm and unhooked the button at his shirt cuff. Shaking it loose, he stretched out the other arm and released its cuff, shaking both wrists free so that the sleeves hung loosely over his hands.**

**He stood before her, chest bare, shirt hanging and arched both brows at her, eyes gleaming. His accompanying slow smile had her wriggling in the chair.**

**"Well?" he prompted.**

**"Hot, Mike," she breathed. "Pure fire."**

**"Well… put me out then."**

**"No way," she purred. "Keep going."**

**Showing white teeth and a wicked glint in his eye, he kicked off his shoes, bending to remove his socks, but not breaking his locked gaze with her. A practised shrug had the shirt off his shoulders and bunching at his waist.**

**Carolyn's fingers dug into the armrests of the chair, her nails flexed and limbs tense with instant want as she yearned to stroke his naked chest.**

**A flick of each arm and Mike dispensed with the sleeves of his shirt, flinging it across the room with a flourish of a wrist. He pulled off his already loosened belt in a fast, one-handed slick motion that made Carolyn hoot with delight, before he grabbed each side of his open trousers with a fist.**

**Legs apart, Mike raised one brow and waited.**

**"Big─" Carolyn coughed to clear her throat and find her voice. "Big improvement, hon, big improvement. You got more?"**

**Mike thrust a hip to the side and dragged down one side of his trousers and boxers at the same time. A hip-thrust to the other side had the other half down, then Mike leaned forward and with a hard down-thrust had his trousers and boxers at his ankles.**

**Carolyn clapped her hands in glee, her eyes smarting with tears of laughter. Her vision blurred but not enough to miss the glory of him standing naked in front of her and have her body throb in response.**

**"Ohhhh, too precious, Mike," she breathed. "You crack me up."**

**He stepped out of his pooled trousers and put a hand on both sides of the chair, hemming her in with his smouldering interest and naked flesh. She stopped laughing abruptly, captivated.**

**"Oh, yeah?" His eyelids lowered, his gaze dropping to wander her body where she curled in the chair. "This bod makes you laugh? Is that it?"**

**Carolyn's lips parted and she shook her head slowly to the side. "No. No way. That bod makes me hot," she said, surprised by the meekness in her voice.**

**Clearing her throat, she attempted to assume command of herself again. Tilting her chin, her face only inches from his, she shut out the warm musk radiating from his skin and assaulting her senses; ignored the magnetic pull his body exerted on her and dredged up a forced bravado to keep her in control.**

**"Nice show, Mike. Where'd you learn moves like that? Undercover?"**

**He closed the gap between them, his lips feathering her jaw as he explored its line to her ear. "I don't go undercover, babe. I do it all on… _top_." He panted the word into her ear and she squirmed on the chair. "Out in the open." He ran the tip of his tongue around her lobe and she keened a little cry. "Nothin' to hide." He flicked his tongue, darting in and withdrawing so suddenly, she groaned.**

**Carolyn was panting, her breathing so rapid her chest was rising and falling at an unhealthy rate. She ground her teeth together and her eyes narrowed on his, her cornered frustration demanding to be assuaged.**

**"So help me, Mike, if you don't—"**

**He swooped. His hands were at the small of her back, arching her toward him, fingers under her knit top, grabbing it, bunching it, and then ripping it up and over her head. Carolyn grunted, from a little shock and a lot of raging hormones. A tug of her bra and it was gone, hurled to join his shirt.**

**Carolyn's half closed eyes searched for and found those of her incredibly sexy and practised lover and was surprised to see such primal intent as he looked upon her exposed body. The almost ferocious branding of his gaze on her fired an answering primitive reaction that had her growling in her throat.**

**"_Shit_, Mike, what just happened?"**

**"I think, babe," he rumbled, "we gotta get down and dirty." He lowered his head to her breast and butted against it. "Very down and…" His hands moved to the top of her leggings. "…very dirty."**

**Carolyn's hips lifted without volition as his fingers curled into the waistband. Her lips parted and eyes closed as she felt his mouth following his hands' progress and the blood roared in her head as a sudden realization came to her.**

**"Oh God, we haven't done it in this chair yet have we?"**

**Her chin tipped to the ceiling, throat stretched, she felt his head shake against her.**

**His voice muffled, he gave her the answer she'd guessed.**

**"No, we haven't."**

**oOo**

_**What started out as Logan's meltdown turned into Carolyn's, I'm thinking, and I didn't need the "M" section, after all. :-D We'll leave these two in privacy, while I sort out what I'm going to do for poor Bobby's and Alex' dilemma.**_


End file.
